Who am I?
I'm not sure how much sense this blog is going to make as I have 2 small kids horsing around very near me that I need to take out of the house very soon on this sunny day.
A few days ago, as mentioned in my previous post, I had a life changing moment happen in my life. Now I'm stuck trying to figure out where to go from here. As far as healthier eating and exercise go that has changed considerably from what it had been over the previous few months. Now for everything else in my life. I work a job that takes me away from my kids to deal with a bunch of whiners or people who feel the need to make me sound like an idiot. I hate being away so much from my kids. They need some more guidance and organization in their lives and I don't have the time or energy to give them as much as they need. I also question whether the changes for the better in my relationship will stay that way. They've changed for the better in the past and then just go back to making me feel powerless and insignificant. I've sworn that this time I won't put up with any crap but how much am I going to mean that in a month when I'v gotten comfortable again? What I need is some time to myself, like an entire day of not having to answer to anybody or put on a happy face to avoid the problems that come with the opposite. I just want to be left to be myself without being questioned about what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm thinking and that's what I need that time for. Certain people would take me wanting to be on my own as a sign of me changing my mind about things I have said I've wanted. That is not the case. I just feel crowded although I know I am not. I feel like I just need a break from other people's thoughts to be alone with my own. It's so hard to explain and even reading just now what I just wrote I don't get my point but I guess I had to try to write it down so I could clear my mind out a bit. I guess I feel crowded because there is so much for me to think about that I can't think about any of it.

Starting all over again...again
Mood:  vegas lucky
Last Tuesday was a major turning point in my life. I won't post here what happened but I will say that it changed my warped point of view of myself and my lifestyle habits in about 5 minutes.
No longer do I have a block preventing me from achieving healthy goals. I literally saw what I had been using to hold myself back for so many months and it was not what I expected. Since that night I have just stopped all that stupidity. No longer do I eat when I'm not hungry, eat junk food because I think I need it or sit around on my lazy ass and do next to no exercise. I am again ready to take care of myself in spite of what anyone else might think. I'm no where near perfect, I still have ice cream and greasy fries on occasion. I am however getting closer to where I was before my life felt like it was coming apart. After the unhealthy stuff I focus on making sure my next meal has lots of veggies and/or other healthy stuff. Plus I remind myself it takes a lot of effort to burn off those unhealthy choices so I best get to work. I have changed my wallpaper on my computer to a fit woman to inspire (not to bring myself down)and I can actually see myself getting almost as toned as she is. There are still excuses lingering in my mind but I'm doing better at ignoring them and plowing ahead with my better life.
The biggest push has been that no matter what happens, and a lot of really crappy stuff has happened in my life, I am the only one I can be sure I will always have around. So although I will continue to try to be a good Mom, partner and friend it is now time for me to make myself a better person for me to be around all the time.